Early Adjustments in Marriage

Hello everybody, this week I want to take some time to talk about some of the adjustments that couples make or struggle to make early in their marriage. Making the transition from single life to married life is so huge. One can no longer just think of themselves, or live the life they were living as a single adult. I guess you can, but living separate lives wouldn’t really make a happy successful marriage. When you’re married you legitimately become a team and it’s the most important team that you will ever be on.

One of the major adjustments you’ll make is learning how to live together and there’s a lot of adjustments that falls under just this. A couple usually must figure out what roles they will have in the home, and that probably will depend on their personalities. Another adjustment that is so huge and key is being able to work together as equals. It’s essential to be able to make important decisions together or discuss and work out critical issues together. It may sound cliché to say that communication is key, but it is so true. Communication is something that quite a few people don’t have a very good grasp of in general and if it’s something that’s important in all types of relationships, then of course it’s going to be important in marriage.

I had a long chat with a couple of friends who have been married for almost 5 years. I’ve known the husband since I was a kid. When I asked him about some of the early challenges they had in marriage, one of the things he mentioned was scheduling, having to incorporate and account for another person in his life. It isn’t something that is a burden, but it is something that you have to consider and think about. Their schedules were very different with work and school and I’m certain it affected the level of intimacy they were able to have with each other since they didn’t have as much time to spend together. He also mentioned finances as an adjustment with planning and making the decision to have one joint bank account. This particular area is where a lot of couples may struggle as it is one of the most common reasons for divorce. His wife mentioned that it was a difficult adjustment trying to be selfless, again, having to think of another person being a significant part of your life. She talked about small things like going out to eat she would say she wanted to go to a certain place rather than asking him where he wanted to go. It took some work for her to be able to change her mindset and be mindful of those things.

It’s also very important not to assume, and that is with anything. One shouldn’t assume that their spouse should just know and be okay with all their habits or to pick up on certain signals that something needs to be done or something needs to happen. Laundry was an example shared in our class in which the husband would leave his dirty clothes on the floor and expect his wife to pick them up because that’s what his mom did for him. Those are things you talk about.

One last thing I want to cover is boundaries, how much time you spend with your friends and whose friends you spend time with. Who you invite into your home and how often. What is okay in that regard and obviously that is between the married couple. But it becomes so different after marriage that you don’t just go spend time with the boys whenever you want or just have a random girls’ night out without first talking about what is okay. There’s nothing wrong with spending time with your friends after you’re married, one just needs to consider that there is another important person in your life whose time and feelings matter, the most important person in your life.