It's Okay to Have Issues

This week I want to take some time to address the fact that all families have problems, both good and bad, and I’ll get to why they’re good in a moment. All families go through periods in which they are under stress and I want us to be on the same page here so I’m going to define the words stress and distress. Stress according to google means “a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances” while distress means “extreme anxiety, sorrow, or pain” according to the same source. Something that I have learned recently is that not all stress leads to distress, that is something very important to understand.

There are definitely a number of circumstances that cause families distress. I’m sure you’ve seen quite a bit of them in your own personal life. I’ve had a few friends who’ve dealt with miscarriages, that is emotionally exhausting, especially for a woman. Other families deal with abuse, financial instability, mental or physical illness, a strain in a relationship, substance abuse and the list goes on and on. My family is currently going through some financial struggles and that has been extremely difficult for our family to deal with. Some families let their problems tear them apart while others are brought together through those tough times. I’ve known a number of families who have reconnected and strengthened their relationships through the death of another family member like a parent or grandparent. People meet and catch up with each other at the funeral, tears are shed, hearts are softened, it is amazing. When we go back and take a look at the meaning of the word stress and focus on the mental or emotional strain, stress all of a sudden becomes something that is necessary and healthy. Without strain in life, without something to push us, we can never learn and grow. We must learn to be grateful in our circumstances and may I suggest to we be grateful when we have challenges and look at them as an opportunity to become better and to come together.

As I said, families can either allow their challenges to break them apart or to bring them together. There are certainly different ways in which families cope with things which ultimately leads to one of those two results. I’m going to give some examples of how not to cope. First is to be in denial, to pretend that a problem doesn’t exist. If a family never acknowledges that they have a problem then the problem may only get bigger until it gets so big and becomes so obvious that you can no longer deny it. A second way is to avoid the problem meaning that you know the problem is there, but you never address it therefore it never gets resolved. I personally feel like denial is a prerequisite to avoidance, but sometimes denial gets bypassed altogether. Avoidance can lead to the same results as denial. The last one I’ll bring up is scapegoating. It’s one thing to avoid a problem, but it is, in my opinion, so much worse to push your issues onto someone else, letting someone else take the blame or just flat-out putting the blame on them. One must be able to hold themselves accountable for an issue in their own family, especially if the issue is caused by them. Putting the blame on someone else means avoiding taking responsibility for what is happening, while the person being blamed inherits all of the responsibility. In any of these cases, the problems don’t get solved.

It is very important for families to learn to effectively communicate with each other, to work out their problems whether it be with someone inside or outside the family. Share the load, share the responsibility and work together to come out on top of your issues.

Having "The Talk"

I want to start this post off with a question. Who would you rather teach your children (or future children) about sex? Would you rather it be you or would you leave it up to society? I personally don’t have much confidence in our society. In my home growing up, I was never actually taught anything about sex, as a matter of fact, most of what I learned came from high school around my peers. Let me tell you, that is definitely not the best place to learn, especially since I went to a school where there were so many teen pregnancies. I’m sure it would have made a big difference if I wasn’t so sheltered, particularly on this topic. I know that I’m definitely not alone in this, it is very common to learn things about sex outside of the home whether it be amongst peers, or through media and literature. I believe on average kids are being exposed to pornography by the age of seven. Parents really need to step it up and prepare their kids to face the world we live in.

I watched an interview in which Laura Brotherson, an author who wrote books like And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and Knowing HER Intimately, gave her thoughts on topics such as sexual intimacy in marriage and when to teach your kids. She tells us five particular times in which to talk to your children about sex:

1.      Before school (before the first time they get on a bus and interact with kids who are actually just starting to be aware of their own gender and body parts)

2.      Before the age of accountability (in LDS terms this is when a child turns eight and is preparing for baptism)

3.      Before puberty (you know, when hormones start to kick in)

4.      Before dating

5.      Before marriage

I think these are actually great times to talk to your kids because those are prominent times when they’ll actually start to develop questions. It’s very crucial that your kids know that they can talk to you about this sort of thing so it’s important to be open about it. Coming from “A Parent’s Guide” https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng,  if your kids have questions don’t discourage them, answer their questions, but leave it at that. I feel that the more open and comfortable you are in talking to your kids about sex, the more they’ll come to you when those questions arise, or even when someone outside of your home teaches them something contrary to what you have taught them. Another thing I feel is important is to use proper terms for example terms like “penis” and “vagina” the very basic terms. If you feel strange using those words, trust me, you’re not alone. Those words were never used in my home growing up, just because we never talked about things like this. But getting used to the proper wording may help your kids avoid confusion and it makes it so much less awkward when they grow up.

Early Adjustments in Marriage

Hello everybody, this week I want to take some time to talk about some of the adjustments that couples make or struggle to make early in their marriage. Making the transition from single life to married life is so huge. One can no longer just think of themselves, or live the life they were living as a single adult. I guess you can, but living separate lives wouldn’t really make a happy successful marriage. When you’re married you legitimately become a team and it’s the most important team that you will ever be on.

One of the major adjustments you’ll make is learning how to live together and there’s a lot of adjustments that falls under just this. A couple usually must figure out what roles they will have in the home, and that probably will depend on their personalities. Another adjustment that is so huge and key is being able to work together as equals. It’s essential to be able to make important decisions together or discuss and work out critical issues together. It may sound cliché to say that communication is key, but it is so true. Communication is something that quite a few people don’t have a very good grasp of in general and if it’s something that’s important in all types of relationships, then of course it’s going to be important in marriage.

I had a long chat with a couple of friends who have been married for almost 5 years. I’ve known the husband since I was a kid. When I asked him about some of the early challenges they had in marriage, one of the things he mentioned was scheduling, having to incorporate and account for another person in his life. It isn’t something that is a burden, but it is something that you have to consider and think about. Their schedules were very different with work and school and I’m certain it affected the level of intimacy they were able to have with each other since they didn’t have as much time to spend together. He also mentioned finances as an adjustment with planning and making the decision to have one joint bank account. This particular area is where a lot of couples may struggle as it is one of the most common reasons for divorce. His wife mentioned that it was a difficult adjustment trying to be selfless, again, having to think of another person being a significant part of your life. She talked about small things like going out to eat she would say she wanted to go to a certain place rather than asking him where he wanted to go. It took some work for her to be able to change her mindset and be mindful of those things.

It’s also very important not to assume, and that is with anything. One shouldn’t assume that their spouse should just know and be okay with all their habits or to pick up on certain signals that something needs to be done or something needs to happen. Laundry was an example shared in our class in which the husband would leave his dirty clothes on the floor and expect his wife to pick them up because that’s what his mom did for him. Those are things you talk about.

One last thing I want to cover is boundaries, how much time you spend with your friends and whose friends you spend time with. Who you invite into your home and how often. What is okay in that regard and obviously that is between the married couple. But it becomes so different after marriage that you don’t just go spend time with the boys whenever you want or just have a random girls’ night out without first talking about what is okay. There’s nothing wrong with spending time with your friends after you’re married, one just needs to consider that there is another important person in your life whose time and feelings matter, the most important person in your life.