The Infamous Friend Zone

So, this week I’ve decided to take some time to write about the friend zone. Now you may ask, “what on earth does this have to do with families and marriage?” Well actually, this relates more to marriage and family than one might think. Selecting a partner for marriage is kind of a big deal, and there’s a few different ways that one goes about doing this. There’s the process in which one dates multiple people to find who they’re most compatible with or who they most like, there are those who cohabit, there’s arranged marriages, there are those who marry based off of convenience or circumstances, and I’m sure the list can go on. So, what does this have to do with the friend zone? I want to pose the idea that the friend zone very subtly falls on this list.

I have known many people who ask themselves, “What if I marry the wrong person?” I actually can’t imagine anyone not asking themselves this question in at least one point in their life. Who wouldn’t be worried about that? That’s actually one of the main reasons that people decide to cohabit, to ensure that they are making the right choice. But studies show that those who marry after cohabiting don’t show an increase in satisfaction in marriage, they’re actually more likely to get divorced than those who don’t cohabit. I’d imagine that’s because the experience for them living together doesn’t actually change when they tie the knot, they’ve already established fixed patterns in their relationship having lived together that, in my opinion, don’t show enough commitment to each other to be married.

Throughout the whole dating experience, we establish patterns in our relationships that can determine if you’ll have a healthy marriage or not. I believe we all want to marry someone we trust, someone we find comfort in being vulnerable with, someone with whom we have common interests and goals. We preach that we should marry our best friend, but how many people actually do that? I honestly believe that in some cases, not all, the best possible choice is found in the friend zone.

To me, the whole idea of the friend zone can be really demeaning to the value of friendship. Friendship is an amazing thing, I have some of the best friends that life can offer. They have really enhanced my life in ways I never thought possible. They’ve helped shape who I am and have helped carry me through some really tough times in my life. They’ve taught me one of the many elements of love, how to be loyal, how to sacrifice, and even how to resolve conflict. As a matter of fact, some of the deepest friendships I have are the ones where we have fought and argued, multiple times, but they’ve really brought us closer together. They take a lot of work and a great level of commitment. I also have a lot of female friends who I can’t imagine my life without. They’ve done a great many things to bless my life and have really taught me how to interact with the opposite sex. So, what I’m getting at is if friendship is so great, why do we treat it like a death sentence when we have to be friends with someone we like?

The friend zone actually isn’t all that bad, it’s actually a great place to be. I’ve known people who were put in the friend zone by someone and then ended up marrying that same person (results may vary). Friends do make the best marriage partners after all. If for some reason, you start to have problems in your marriage, and you’re not friends with your spouse, it is going to be very challenging for you because the love that is required in marriage isn’t all just about sex, passion, and physical attraction, you have to love that person for who they are, it has to be unconditional, that is the real everyday type of love. In conclusion, if there is one lesson I hope that anyone will learn, it is to be the type of friend to everyone that anyone would want to marry.

Same-Gender Attraction

In my blog today, I’m going to talk about probably one of the most controversial topics in the world today, same gender attraction. I don’t particularly feel I am worthy to talk about this, one reason being I’ve never had to deal with being attracted to the opposite sex, my second reason is because I’m still forming my opinion on this topic and trying to make sense of the message I want to convey. I’ll make one thing clear, I do have a stance on gay marriage, but that’s not what this blog is about; it’s not to voice my views or opinions, it’s about spreading truth. I’ve seen too many people debate about this on social media.

The one thing I want to touch on is the belief that people who are gay are simply “born that way.” Despite what Macklemore and Lady Gaga have said in their songs, studies have shown evidence against this notion that people are simply born gay. In the article by Dean Byrd titled Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable? What Science Can and Cannot Say a study by Bailey and Pillard on identical twins showed that for every homosexual twin there was about a fifty percent chance that the other twin would also be homosexual. But if the DNA for identical twins is the same, shouldn’t that number be one hundred percent. An argument made was that genes responsible for homosexuality would have disappeared over time from the lack of reproductive activity.

So, if people aren’t born gay, then what does that mean? Well for one it means that it somehow develops in a person as they grow and gain experience in life. There are some factors that can cause this, that don’t affect all people the same way. Some factors include bullying, lack of a father, mother confusion, or a mother who is domineering, inappropriate touch such as being molested, pornography, etc. I feel bad for those who’ve had to experience some of these things and for those who go through life dealing with homosexual tendencies, I imagine it’s a struggle trying to fit into society and to find acceptance with people. I’m happy that there are some out there who have overcome these tendencies and now have heterosexual desires. Here’s a link to a video of some individuals who overcame these homosexual desires called Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJhyzqdzpnM.

I mentioned that it’s a struggle for homosexuals to fit into our society when all they have is each other to lean on for support. Our society doesn’t make it easy for them, and doesn’t make it easy for those who are different and not homosexual. We place stereotypes on how men and women should behave and when we see something out of the ordinary we’re quick to judge, or put a label on someone. Amongst younger kids when I was growing up the word “gay” was used way too much. For some kids, when they’re called gay all the time, some will look at some of their gender Atypical behaviors and then call themselves gay. For myself I am a very affectionate and nurturing person, I tend to give people (both boys and girls) hugs and affectionate touch, and that would be seen as gay which it isn’t. I would sometimes share a bed with my best friends, also not gay, but people have a different way of perceiving the world. If we weren’t so quick to judge maybe this wouldn’t be a problem. I think too often with parents, particularly fathers, spend too much time worrying about their sons becoming gay, and in the event that it does happen, a lot of time is spent judging them and trying to “fix” them instead of loving them and trying to understand them and help them through it. Like I said, I don’t know from experience, but it sounds like having homosexual desires is tough. As with all of the world’s challenges, it starts in the home. But I know that there is a solution, and it would take a lot of effort, but I think it’s amazing that there’s help available to those who do struggle with it.  

Defined by Culture

There are so many cultures in the world today. Both cultures we are familiar with and probably cultures we have never even heard of. There’s cultures that come from nations all over the world, cultures that are formed within specific groups and cultures that we form within our families. It is typically through cultures the way we distinguish or separate ourselves from others. We define ourselves by our culture, by what group we belong to. Take a moment to think about the culture you’ve embraced in your own life. What traditions have you incorporated into your life? Do these traditions and your culture define you? Where did these traditions come from? Do you believe your culture is better than others? Is it more valid than other cultures?

What exactly makes a culture valid and who should it be valid to? I think an important question to ask ourselves is, “Are my traditions and what I believe based in truth?” What I mean by that is based in true principles that teaches us to be good and to do good, not just to those within our culture, but to those outside it as well? Does it strengthen the family system? Does it bring us closer as people? If so, then it is good. I believe that all cultures have something to teach us, that no one is more important than another as we are all different. Our differences isn’t a bad thing, it is a blessing to have multiple perspectives on how to live life so that we learn from each other. I do also believe that while all cultures have some truth, not all of it is true. I’ve seen both good and bad in a variety of cultures and I feel it is important to take the good from them all and leave the bad behind. I consider myself a multicultural person because I don’t categorize myself with one particular culture, my goal is to be close with all people.

In our society, when we are labeled or placed in a specific ethnic group, there is an expectation that we are to act as such, a stereotype if you will. My whole life being I was told that because I was an “African American” I had to act a certain way, I had to be a certain way and that if I wasn’t I was acting “white.” My mom always told me that it’s important to learn about my culture, to understand what “our” people went through. But it never felt like “my” culture and they weren’t “my” people. I found a scripture in the Book of Mormon that helped through this struggle, it’s found in 2 Nephi 26:33 and it says,

“For none of these iniquities come of the Lord; for he doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile.”

I turn your attention to where it says that “all are alike unto God.” We are all the same to Him, there is no race or color, we are all His children and we are all equal. I tell myself and I tell others that before I was labeled “black” I was a child of God. My culture is His and I identify myself through Him.

For many of you out here, you probably have traditions you have inherited from your families that you will take to your own future family and your kids will do the same. Things that you grew up with, things you just know to do since that is the way you were taught. I realize that for me, it will be important that when I have my own family to start from scratch. I want to create my own patterns and traditions and I want to base them in truth, the truth of the Gospel which I live. I hope to start a new trend if someone doesn’t beat me to it.

A Little Look Into Family Systems

Hello to everyone reading this, and thank you. I want to take some time to talk a little bit about Family Systems and give you all a look into my own unorthodox family unit. There are many of us who haven’t had the privilege of raising or being raised in a proper fully functioning family system, I empathize with you. For those who have been able to raise or be raised in a fully functioning family unit, that is absolutely amazing, I hope you can keep the trend going. I think it’s safe to say that we all understand the basic concept of what a family unit consists of. Now I know that the world has changed its definition of marriage and I respect that, but for me and what I believe, God’s laws don’t change so I’m sticking with His definition that marriage is between a man and a woman (this is not to create controversy). So from that perspective and from those of you who watch a lot of television, we see the family consisting of a husband a wife and a few kids. Some families may also incorporate extended family such as grandparents depending on the situation. My family system was nothing close to that, my family growing up consisted of my mom, my grandmother, my two cousins and me. My cousins were a part of the family since their mom had passed away due to cancer while they were young.

I’m sure you’ve heard family be compared to different things. Maybe you’ve heard it compared it to a zoo, or even to a car. The fact of the matter is each is a system in which all the pieces play their own role to make up the whole. The pieces alone are useless or of lesser value, but when put altogether the value of its entirety is greater than the sum of all the components. You may remember the roles you may have played in your own families. For me I’ve always played the role of the baby, the youngest, the one everyone thought they needed to protect. Within the subsystems I was a part of, meaning my friends and their families I was always that one black kid everyone adopted into their family. For the most part it’s still that way, but as time goes and the system starts to change, roles tend to change. In my family I’ve since become the spiritual leader as well as many of the subsystems I belong to. When we talk of families that are dysfunctional I think of a system that is missing pieces, pieces that may be broken, or a poor attempt at trying to replace a piece that is just irreplaceable. My mom had to both work and cool at home and as good a job as she did, it was frustrating for her at times, it’s just hard to play the role of mom and dad, nurturer and provider.

Every family should also have a set of rules. In my family we had rules, but most of them were implied. My mom told me we were all good kids so she never needed to tell us. We hardly ever got into trouble, and if we got into trouble we got into trouble together. The rules I do remember were to be in bed at a decent hour, never go outside without an adult, always make sure we tell someone where we’re going, and every Saturday was typically the day to deep clean the entire house which took us hours. Other families have some pretty interesting rules and that’s okay, every family should do what’s best for them. For one of my friend’s, his family had a rule that if you went to buy food for yourself you needed to should buy some for everyone else. That’s not something I ever adapted to. Another rule was no TV or video games on Sundays, which a lot of families have different rules for what not to do on Sundays. It’s interesting to see the differences as you spend time in someone else’s home. It’s extremely important to be careful in assuming that everyone does things the same way. No family is the same, so when we visit someone else’s home, realize that family will have different rules from your own. When you’re married, you and your spouse will have come from different backgrounds and will most likely have grown up wit different rules in your home. So don’t assume that someone will automatically know what your rules or even believe that your rules are what’s best in every family, because every family has different needs, and that's okay.